Paldywan Kenobi's
archive of 1990s articles
|
An e-mail conversation, 1999
What worries me about certain aspects of feminism is that they move towards the exclusion of men. What I would prefer to see is an element of balance and mutual respect.
In my own experience, exclusion has not been too major an issue, and it has its value. 'Exclusion' is only questionable if it is oppressive, but not if it's a straight and simple desire in one social subgroup to explore its own reality without intervening influences. In Glastonbury we exclude the world, by dint of our choice to live in a social atmosphere such as this, but we don't generally stop others from joining or give people a hard time for not being one of us. There are forms of feminist exclusionism which can be emotionally violent, insensitive or oppressive, and sometimes but not always this is attracted by the patterns of the men on the receiving end. In the end, it all comes out in the wash, and we've all gotta do just what we've gotta do.
My main reservation, from previous experience, concerns impacts on kids - I find that kids can handle all sorts of presented realities quite resiliently, but what disturbs them most is vibes of disapproval, blame, dishonesty or cover-up amongst parents and adults. The primary issue here is whether, in all our traumas as parents-partners, we move things forward, or get stuck. The lesson we need perhaps to show our kids is how to make good our errors and mistakes - how to grow through life by making pain advantageous.
Yes, we need to be conscious of the past in all contexts, so that we can move forward in the present. Adopting a stance that excludes men is just imitating patriarchy at its most sexist.
Perhaps, but it is nevertheless valuable for some people to be separative, for a period. There's lots of shit to clear! This has been demonstrated in Glastonbury, where many of the women who (in my perception) were judgmental and exclusionist of men in earlier times have come to a new resolution and peace within themselves and a renewed relationship with men. That's not only been okay, but the results are, in many cases, wonderful, and I'm glad it happened. Where things are left unresolved, exclusiveness turns to loneliness and isolation for the excluder - and the excluded move on to new pastures.
Society has at its' core co-operation, real power comes from teamwork not exclusion.
Yes, true, but also, in these days of mass-individuation, it is necessary for many to separate out before re-joining from a new viewpoint, with a healing heart. My father wanted me to follow in his footsteps, which I didn't - I became a drop-out rule-breaker and rebel. With this rebellion came a significant and productive consciousness-shift. Now, three decades later, I find myself indeed following in his footsteps - yet the whole context has shifted. He was a corporate personnel manager and I became a self-employed astrologer, networker and alternative project organiser. He tried to inject enlightenment into his conformism, and I have tried to inject acceptability into my radicalism - but it's the same trip! He and I are re-joined - and we now see each other as part of a continuity. Separation led to togetherness and forgiveness - though not automatically, since it's a choice of the heart.
I would feel extremely uncomfortable if any male member of my family should feel guilt ridden over past mistakes in which they had no part. It is enough for me that they are conscious of them and are unlikely to intentionally repeat what has gone before.
We nevertheless play a part as reincarnating souls in creating the past - we do not come into life with a blank karmic slate. We are responsible for the past, and we chose to be born into our chunk of history. I spent seven years feeling wrong for being a man. I took millennia of 'patriarchal' history on my shoulders. It is being resolved by consciously undertaking work to redeem it - I now do planetary healing and conflict resolution work which utilises my strengths as a white, British, educated, well-fed male. Feeling bad for being a man was actually a training of my will and a chance to dig out the man within me, by aversion therapy - in the late-70s I got repeatedly beaten up by my aikido-using wife! The pain helped me gradually free myself of idolisation of women too - I saw goddesses in them, and came to see the sweaty, flawed human in them - and accept the sweaty, flawed aspects in myself and mankind - and to realise we're all ultimately in the same boat.
We are personally responsible for the oppression we invite upon ourselves - and for compassionately demonstrating this to others. But the separation-feeling and the victim experience are often necessary first, before the resolution starts dawning. What worries me is when I see guys getting stuck longterm in feeling wrong about themselves, building that into a new fixed role. They can let women beat them around and permit female manipulativeness, and they can serve as dubious male role models for kids too (whether 'new' or 'old' male roles). This is about women hating the man or the fathering in themselves, and about men processing our unfulfilled mother-relationships and inner idealised woman - the animus-anima conflict within ourselves. And it all takes time...
Meanwhile, vive les differences! We live in times where distinctions are accentuated and insecure isolation is the norm. In all our billions, we're desperately lonely - and dangerously adjusted to it. It's not just about gender - it's about fixed roles of all kinds. Problems can equally arise when gender-roles reverse, and gay people fall over as many role and power issues as heteros do - so it's not just about simple gender politics. Gladly, our own kids seem not to care so much about the emotional anguish their parents have put themselves through - they just get on with their lives, projecting and expecting much less than we. For this is surely the crux of the problem: the deep expectations in us, demanding that men or women should be something else from what we manifest ourselves to be. What helped me ease this in myself were the realisations: "There is no 'right' or 'wrong' - there are simply consequences", and "It's not what you do but how you do it". Living on planet Earth seems to involve experiencing perpetually mixed consequences!
Our generation sits in an uncomfortable historic gap between the downfall of blood-tribe and family, and the rise of soul-community and family. We're one of the guiltiest generations of history - like Brits in Europe, craving a tribalism to heal our isolation, yet afraid to lose our personal sovereignty - and failing to get off that fence. Whether we project or introject, or both, we habitually indulge the maximum fuss we can over these issues. Our challenge is to come to peace over the loneliness and individuality we feel, and to accept the otherness our 'significant others' present.
Paldywan Kenobi'sarchive of 1990s articles |
|
© Palden Jenkins, 1992-1997. All of these articles are copyright. They may individually be copied and shared with others in a spirit of knowledge-sharing and fair play, but they may not be sold, printed or reproduced in quantity or changed in form without the permission of the copyright holder. Magazine and other editors may e-mail me for permission to reprint. E-mail: